No one likes to grieve. It is difficult, hard work, and it requires a lot of time, energy, and emotional strength. Grieving is not only about death; it is also about loss of any kind. Dr. John Townsend, in his book Beyond Boundaries, dedicates a whole chapter to the topic of grief. His insights are excellent, and I will attempt to summarize his thoughts on this important topic.

What is Grief?

Townsend defines grief this way:

Grief helps us process the reality of loss. Simply put, grief is letting go of what you cannot keep. Grief requires accepting, both mentally and emotionally, that something or someone you loved and valued is no more…And grief converts a wound into a memory. That is, when you learn the process of letting go, the pain you feel in the present moves down your neurological pathways physically [literally] into your memory banks, where the past resides. In the memory banks, you can review the past, understand the past, and learn from the past…Without grief, the wound never becomes a memory. You remain stuck in reexperiencing the hurt and hard times over and over again (pp. 90-91).

Components for Grieving a Loss

1. Acknowledge the Attachment

Townsend says it best:

“Without an emotional attachment, there is nothing to grieve…The greater the grief you feel, the greater the love you have for the person [or object] you lost. And you can’t instantly undo the attachment…The pain you feel is a good thing; it is a sign that you are alive inside” (p. 92).

2. Accept That You Can’t Control the Loss

Townsend explains:

“Grief requires that you give up control of the other person’s decision and admit that you do not have the power to make him or her love you or move toward you. You are accepting a type of helplessness…But in the end, you must accept that the other person is in the driver’s seat of his or her own life and path, toward you or away from you…This is a difficult area for most of us. No one wants to feel helpless…We resist helplessness when we don’t want to lose love [or an object, experience, etc.]. However, the sooner you can allow yourself to experience helplessness—to admit that you have no control over the other person’s decisions—the better off you will be” (pp. 92-93).

3. Name What You Valued

We affirm the importance of someone or something when we name what we valued. You cannot walk away from a relationship, especially without saying goodbye to both the bad and the good. A half-grief is never a healing grief.

Townsend notes:

“The ungrieved ‘good parts’ stay inside her [your] mind and heart and haunt her [you]” (p. 95).

He continues:

“It is better to help your friend [or yourself] to say things like, ‘I know he was controlling, but I do miss the good times.’ In that way, she is able to begin letting go of the whole person” (p. 95).

4. Surround Yourself with People Who Are Comforting

Townsend insightfully observes:

“Grief is letting go of something we can’t keep, but nature abhors a vacuum. It is hard to let go of a relationship [especially] by yourself, because there is a vacuum inside where the person used to be…You will continue reaching out and desiring the other person even though you know the relationship is over. Having people around you who have the capacity to comfort can help to fill the vacuum…Allowing yourself to be comforted by others not only salves your grief, it also greatly reduces the power of the vacuum” (p. 96).

He offers this wise, practical guidance:

“How do you know if someone has the capacity to comfort? By the degree to which they remain present with you when you grieve. Being present means they don’t try to give you advice, cheer you up, or change the topic…It is important, however, to be intentional about grief and not skip over it” (p. 96).

5. Allow the Sadness

 Sadness includes both longing and mourning. Your heart feels downcast. Townsend recommends allowing yourself to set aside doing and enter a feeling mode. Some suggestions include:

• Recalling both the good and the bad aspects of the relationship
• Meeting with a friend or a counselor to talk about the experiences you had
• Role-play what was said, what needs to be said, or what you wish you could say

Townsend points out:

“By welcoming your sadness, you allow your feelings to simply catch up with and ally with your thoughts about the reality of the loss” (p. 97).

Also, tell God honestly how you feel. He understands. After all, He watched His Son be tortured and die on that wretched Cross. The difficulty was so great that He had to turn away.

6. Give Yourself the Gift of Time

Townsend concludes:

“Remember that grief has its own pace. One part may take more or less time than you expected. Don’t attempt to force or control your grief process. Give yourself margin within the components” (p. 99).

If this season feels lonely or heavy, may you know the quiet nearness of the Lord who sees you, hears you, and walks with you through every step of your grief.

Bronwyn Welch gleans and reflects on Chapter 8 from John Townsend’s book, Beyond Boundaries.