You want to keep the conversation open with your child as much as it is possible (Romans 12:18). Even though you have been confronted with a reality that may be against everything you raised your children to know, we can try to keep the relationship alive. Tensions will run high and everyone in the family will have strong, uncomfortable feelings they are trying to express.

As we work with parents, we find some of these points helpful in hopes of maintaining relationships. While our suggestions have more to do with stabilizing you in the situation you face with your children, we also offer some possible relational advice.

Your experience will also be different whether your child is still in your home and under your care or if they are adults and living away from your home and care.

• Ask their forgiveness if your first response was reactive.

Parents often have an understandable but rough first response. Perhaps you were so caught off-guard that your fears and anger just poured out. Sometimes we think that, if we respond strongly, they will come to their senses and turn from their direction. You can come back from this! Many parents need to be reminded that this is a spiritual battle involving some deep deception that may have been developing for many years. It will feel much more like it is a flesh and blood battle of right and wrong. This is your child coming to you with what can feel like the worst news possible. Asking for forgiveness for overly emotional or bad responses can reopen the doors and help to heal wounds.

• Be as respectful and calm as you are able.

Thank them for telling you how they are feeling. Acknowledge that it must have been difficult for them to share with you. Listen well. Ask caring questions. Tell them that you don’t know what to feel or say but that you can reassure them you love them and care about what they are experiencing. Remember, it took a long time for them to approach you, and you can ask for time to respond, if necessary.

• Humble your hearts in prayer.

Pray for your own heart first. Ask God to reveal your heart to you. Ask Him to use this situation with your prodigal to root out the same kinds of things in your heart (Romans 2:1-5). Ask Him to humble you and give you understanding. “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2). You can pray many kinds of prayers as you seek the Lord. “Lord, where is there pride in my heart?” “Lord, where am I not obeying You?” “Lord, why am I so angry at my child’s decision?” “Lord, where am I struggling to trust You?” As you turn your prayer towards interceding for your prodigal, trust Him to direct you and to make Himself known to you. Often, we try to twist God’s arm into doing our will. Thank Him for how He’s using this situation to draw you closer to Him. Thank Him for bringing that child into your life. Thank Him for His Word and His promises. Thank Him for His faithfulness, His comfort, and His restoration. Offer your fears to God and let Him work in you. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” (Philippians 4:6).

• Take inventory of your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

This is a healthy process for every parent. It is important to know what you believe and why you believe it. The thought of sexual sin or deception for your child would rightly produce strong feelings. You have been in a long, sacrificial relationship with your child who has just come out to you. Perhaps in the past, you have known your biblical values on sexual sin and broken humanity. Do you know how the Gospel impacts these beliefs? Are you clear about what you feel you already know? What are your fears? Does this produce shame in you? What about this invites you to feel anger? Take inventory, talk with God and safe loved ones about your discoveries. Can you find God’s answers, comfort, and help in the Scriptures?

• Do not lean on your understanding.

God is still writing your story and theirs. Remember, this is not your burden to fix the situation or their heart. Only God is the healer of the brokenhearted. “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me (the Messiah) because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners…” (Isaiah 61:1). Stand firm on the Word without compromise. This relationship is like a door that can be locked from either side. Keep the door open if they leave it open, but you cannot force their side of the door to be open. Having a relationship with them is good, and God can use that to reach them. But God can reach them without you. God wants you to be a witness of your faith and that His commandments are good and trustworthy. The temptation to compromise may tell your child that God is not good, that He is holding out, and it’s better to determine your own morality. “For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does” (Psalm 33:4).

• Mourn the Grief.

Get the grief out! Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). Find a safe place to process with others, such as a support group for parents of LGBT prodigals. Express your grief over what has happened. Some find in the Psalms expressions that echo what they feel. Confess to God where you may have had expectations and beliefs that God had not promised. God did not promise your child would never make bad decisions or suffer brokenness in their lives. He did not promise you would have an easy, perfect relationship. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). Learn to know God in this painful place. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

• Redirect your heart back to God.

The psalmists often cried out to God about their suffering and persecution, and the Psalms record this process of directing the heart back to God amid suffering. They proclaimed God’s salvation and faithfulness and placed their hope in God even before they saw God’s answer. Direct your heart towards God. Proclaim His promises over you. Proclaim His goodness and faithfulness. Jeremiah did this as he poured out his anguish before God. While lamenting what he believed God had done to him (Lamentations 3:1-18), he suddenly made a turn. “Remember me,” he cried! “Remember my bitterness.” Then he proclaimed, “Surely my soul remembers and is bowed down within me. This I recall to mind; therefore, I have hope. The Lord’s lovingkindness indeed never ceases. His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness! The Lord is my portion. Therefore, I have hope in Him” (Lamentations 3:20-24).

• Make a list of scripture promises you can cling to.

Memorize some of them. Remind yourself of what He has done for you in the past and how He has not failed you. Tell others of His goodness and what He’s doing for you and how He’s teaching you and changing you in the process. Let your trial be a testimony to others. “Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the one Israel praises. In You our ancestors put their trust; they trusted and You delivered them. To You they cried out and were saved; in You, they trusted and were not put to shame” (Psalm 22:3-5). Memorize verses about God’s virtues like Isaiah 40:27-31 or Psalm 61:1-3.

• Examine your heart. Have you made this relationship an idol?

Don’t allow this or any trial in your life to rule over your mind. We must not make our relationship with God revolve around another person, including our children. That is idolatry. What is your hope based on? Is your hope in a particular outcome, or is your hope set on eternal things, of the coming kingdom of Christ? “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:37). Ask God what He wants you to be doing. Perhaps He is using this situation to refocus your spiritual life. Maybe He wants to use you to reach other hurting, broken people. Don’t sit on the sidelines, ask God to use your pain to reach others. “We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Thessalonians 1:3).

• Give yourself grace as you wade through the complicated emotions and find support.

Remember, you are not going to solve this overnight. You will NOT have one conversation (or many) and immediately change their mind, especially if they have been thinking about these things for a long time. Be patient and wait for the Holy Spirit’s timing. “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11). “Through patience, a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone” (Proverbs 25:15) “The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride” (Ecclesiastes 7:8).