God’s Example of Boundaries

The idea of boundaries comes from God. He is very clear about who He is and who He is not. God sets boundaries and consequences for when the boundaries are violated.   Following His example, we too can be very clear about who we are and are not. That begins with the most basic boundary words: yes and no. Jesus said in Matthew 5:37, “Just say a simple, ‘yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one” (NLT). Boundaries are essential in all of life—even with our children. Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend say it best in Boundaries:

“Our model is God…God sets standards, but He lets people be who they are and then separates himself from them when they misbehave, saying in effect, ‘You can be that way if you choose, but you cannot come into my house’” (p. 45).

Our Story and Lessons Learned

My husband and I have 3 prodigal children out of 8. At first, they accepted our boundaries. Not anymore. As painful as it has been, we have had to say, “You can be that way if you choose, but you cannot promote your sin in our house.”

For us, that has meant setting clear guidelines in our home: not allowing overnight stays with your partner, no physical displays of affection, keeping alcohol out of the house, avoiding conversations that promote sinful choices, and of course, never permitting violence. Recently, we have had to enforce our boundaries at the loss of relationship with two of our children. Painful stuff! In that painful season, God comforted me through the words of a trusted pastor friend who reminded me: “Stop letting people who are not obeying God give you directions in life.” Without boundaries, that is what we let people, who are not obeying God, do to us, give us directions in life. In kindness, we don’t need to argue or explain, but simply reinforce our yes or no.

Practical Boundaries to Consider

It helps to remember that many of our adult children may be emotionally, intellectually, psychologically, socially, and spiritually stunted. Reasoning often escalates into arguments that gain nothing. Sometimes the wisest step is to state your boundary and leave it there.

One key boundary is to stop the flow of money. Stopping financial dependency must be carefully planned and stated. Unless your adult child must leave your home immediately, give them a date that the financial support will stop so they can prepare. Even if they do not prepare, hold to that date. As Christian parents, we must release our adult children to God and trust him for the outcome.

Other important areas where boundaries and consequences may need to be established include:

• Communication
• Living arrangements
• Employment
• Family interactions
• Education

As Allison Bottke reminds us in Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children says: “This kind of surrender doesn’t mean we are giving up, that we no longer care what happens to our adult children. On the contrary, it means we relinquish their care to a far greater and infinitely more powerful Caretaker” (p. 146). I hope you find that truth as comforting and reassuring as I do.

Encouragement for Parents

None of this is easy. Setting and keeping boundaries can feel like losing a child twice. Yet we can trust that God sees, God cares, and God is at work. Boundaries are not about rejecting our children, but about faithfully honoring God while entrusting our prodigals to His hands.

Hold fast to this hope: He loves them even more than we do.