by Grace A

My 34-year-old son was fifteen when he announced he would no longer go to church. He was sixteen when he went to live with his Father in another state. He was eighteen when he announced he was gay, and he was thirty-three when he told me he was embracing a female identity by taking hormone replacement therapy and transitioning from male to female. 

We have had a loving relationship since he left my home at age sixteen. I think it has been easier in our relationship not to live near each other. He has lived the way he wants to, and I have not had to see his lifestyle “in my face” regularly. We see each other in person once or twice a year. I always go to him. He does not come to me. We text regularly, and when we talk over the phone, we always FaceTime.

When he was living as a gay man, I had all the feelings I list below but it was a situation that seemed clearer to me. I could grasp it better because he was still “my son,” he was still “a man,” he was still “the boy” I gave birth to and raised as a male.  

Throughout our entire relationship, since he left home, I have never been able to say much about his lifestyle. I never felt like it was what God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit were directing me to do. I have been in his life as he has allowed me to be—on his terms. I have trusted God to do the work in him, reveal truth to him, reveal His love for him, and save him from the deception that the core of my heart and spirit knows enslaves him. 

When he told me he was transitioning, my response was to tell him, “I don’t know what to say right now except that I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you.”  I had noticed over months while looking at him when we talked via FaceTime that his features had softened, that something was different, but it had not occurred to me what he was doing. 

After that first conversation, I began having nightmares as the realization of what he was doing to himself came crashing down on me. This is a small account of the emotions I have experienced.

Fear of what the hormones were doing to his body gripped me. 

Concerns for his safety and well-being are constant.

Grief and the loss of the familiar relationship we had as mother and son were overwhelming. My son does not realize that mothers relate differently from mother to daughter than we do from mother to son and vice versa. No matter how he wants to change that fact, he is not a female. The way we relate to each other is not really changing. I realize this, but I do not think he sees that. 

Grief and Loss of family acceptance. My family and even my husband (my son’s stepfather) do not want anything to do with the situation. They do not want to see this process. They do not want to see him or see pictures. They will pray for him but minimally allow me to talk with them about it.

Grief and Loss of a Godly legacy for myself and my son. This means there will be no children for him and no grandchildren for me to nurture and love. 

Anxiety about relating to him now and possibly saying something that would alienate him and destroy our relationship. He identifies as she/her now. Even after a year or more, I cannot refer to him as she/her. I will not be able to. There is a struggle to be true to my convictions without alienating him. 

Anger at Satan for the lies he has trapped him in and so many others. 

Anger at God for not yet rescuing him and for not removing the blinders from his eyes to see the truth. 

Guilt and Anger at myself for not praying diligently enough for him and questioning what I did wrong as a parent when raising him. 

Guilt and Fear that I might be “two-faced” if he (and others in his life who are so supportive of his lifestyle choices) knew the unwavering stand I have about this. 

Frustration as (it appears) evil is winning, and that there has been a shift in what is considered “normal” in society.  

Pressure from him to accept the situation. “Be happy, you now have a daughter.”  But for me, I am grieving the death of my son. 

Pressure to take a stand one way or the other. To either accept and embrace this transition or completely reject it.   

Trust and Hope in God to redeem the situation, reveal the truth to him, save him, and restore him. I must release this daily to God and know that He is working even though I cannot yet see it. It is the only way for me to have peace and to have rest. I stand on biblical scriptures to keep my hope alive. I am seeing a counselor to help with tools to process, and I have the support of a group of friends with whom I can talk openly and who pray with me for my son. 

FSM Staff Comments: We do come alongside the many parents who are in the same situation that Grace is in with her adult child. The “pressure” she mentions to take a stand one way, or the other is not only coming from within, but many parents are facing this pressure as their loved ones have given them an ultimatum— “Accept the entire package of me without question or you will lose me forever!” Shocking stuff. Parents who are facing this trans conversation already feel that they are losing their children. Godly, compassionate, affectionate mothers and fathers face these feelings and many others under the fear of receiving the ultimatum. See our resources for parents elsewhere in this issue.