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Looking for Peace

janI was born on May 16th, 1947 in Fort Worth, Texas. I have one brother, Tom, who is three years older than me. Tom was closer to mother and I was to dad. We had a loving childhood and were raised as Presbyterians. In high school I quit going to church because I felt there were too many hypocrites. I went to Tarleton State College for a short while and then I developed mononucleosis and was extremely ill. I dropped out of school and spent several weeks in bed. The following September of 1967 I enrolled at Texas Wesleyan College.

After a couple of months I fell in love with a young man named Ben. I got pregnant and in four months we were married. After Ben's pressure I gave the baby up for adoption. I sure would love to meet him someday. This adoption caused many problems. I believed I was doing what was right for the baby. My mother disowned me, and for the first time in my life I saw my father cry. I had hurt him so much. If all that wasn't enough, six weeks later I got pregnant gain. Ben got me drunk and performed an abortion on me. We were married for close to two years and during that time Ben worked a total of five days. I was a afraid of him and lived in fear. A good friend said if anyone was demon possessed, Ben was. It took me two years to get up the nerve to file for divorce, but I finally did it!

Six months later I met Richard. Several months after that I got pregnant again. This time my dad paid for an abortion. This pregnancy was twins. This chalked up three murders for me. Some months later Richard and I were married. We really loved one another. Richard was a drinker but soon after we were married he decided to quit and asked me to help him. I was so proud of him. He did quit and we then decided to have a child. We had a beautiful little girl, Robin. After Robin was one year old we moved to Colorado Springs. We had been there for nine months when my brother's wife Judy was going to have a baby. My family wanted me to come back to Fort Worth to work at the family business "Joy Toy Company" while Judy took time off. I came back to Texas and this put too much strain on our failing marriage. I was having problems with sex and Richard had started drinking again. I went back to Colorado and got my things. Richard ran to booze and I just ran away. Once again I divorced making this number two.

I began dating again and met a guy named Jimmy. We moved in together for a short time. He was mean to Robin so it didn't last long. His sister was having a sex change. I talked on the phone with her many times even after Jimmy was out of the picture. It was during this time while working with dad at his business that I had learned he was having major problems with young girls at work. I had confronted him several times, sometimes he admitted it, and at other times denied it. I told him someday he was going to touch the wrong girl and she would sue him for everything she could get. At this time in my life I wasn't concerned about his sin, just the money! Dad had hired two women that were gay. They appeared to be happy enough and so I started thinking that perhaps I was meant to be gay. The door was opened and I gave all to this new experience and even felt loved and accepted immediately. I knew it was wrong, but went on anyway, after all I had already done so many bad things. I wouldn't let myself think about eternity. I began believing that God intended for me to be gay and I wasn't meant to be with a man. After all, if He put gays here He must have a purpose for them, right?

Looking back I can see the demonic activity in my life. I was so confused and something had control of my life and it wasn't me. I had messed up so bad that maybe I should just go with the flow and let something else run me. I met Susan during this time. She took me out to the finest restaurants, sent me roses and cards! She had problems at home, so I volunteered my one bedroom duplex for a "safe house" for her. She didn't go home for the next 15 years! I thought Susan was the rock of Gibraltar! I was at a place that I thought I couldn't function without her. I had never been much of a drinker, until I met Susan. I also tried to smoke pot, but I didn't like being out of control, so I quit.

Several years went by and I had put Robin into a private school. My parents suspected something was going on in my life, but didn't say much because they enjoyed getting Robin while I went out to party. As Robin got older, she started getting jealous of the time I spent with Susan. Susan and I never showed any affection to each other or did anything wrong in Robin's presence. Susan also was jealous of any time I spent with Robin, even the little that I did manage with her. Susan started ridiculing Robin and calling her stupid. She would drill Robin for hours. My heart broke for Robin, but I was submissive and my mouth stayed shut! And during this time dad was still going at it with the girls at work.

When Robin was about seven she came home from being at the lake with mom and dad. I found spotting on her underwear while doing the laundry. I took her to the doctor. Everything was okay, however, the doctor advised that Robin had to be protected from now on! Now what to do? I couldn't tell mother, she would absolutely flip out! My mother had been extremely ill. I gave into my desire for Susan's approval and continued to let Robin go to my parents. I was doing well financially working at Joy Toy and Susan began working with me. I put Robin in public school and her grades bottomed out since she started drinking behind closed doors. Robin and Susan were fighting daily and no one wanted to go home. Susan was drinking all the time till all hours of the morning. Robin and I did go to some counselors. My dad wanted me to go to a counselor and I really wanted my father's approval but never could get it. By this time we were yelling at one another daily. I was a wreck. I went to the counselor he wanted. He wanted me to answer questions, I filled out the form and mailed it back and never went back. I thought he would tell dad everything and I was too ashamed.

A young woman named Joanie worked with us at Joy Toy in the warehouse. She came to me and told me she was going to sue Joy Toy because of dad, unless I could get him to retire. I told dad and he didn't believe me. He told me I would never EVER inherit Joy Toy! So now I felt I had just thrown away my life for sure! Joy Toy was all I had left, after all my "Rock of Gibraltar" had just about turned into dust! It sank in that I was NOT going to get the company. So I decided to get what I could. I started stealing from the business. Robin got worse during this time and all the counselors we went to said that Susan and I had a better relationship than most marriages. Robin just needed to adjust. Robin ran away from home in 7th grade. We found her and I was about to crack. Susan was also going to the warehouse and loading her car up with merchandise and selling on the side. Satan was running rampant in my whole family. I only went to Joy Toy when dad wasn't there, I was horrible to him. Joannie's attorney did file and she did sue him and I even had to testify against my dad. She received $40,000.

Another woman named Joan had come to work at Joy Toy during all this confusion. I didn't know her. All I knew is that she was a devout Christian. I thought, "I had better stay away from her." "She would quit if she knew I were a lesbian." My father had made it clear that no one would ever work for me, that only fine upstanding people worked for Joy Toy.

Things were not improving with Robin. She went to a Methodist school and my trips to see her were almost too much for Susan to handle and her drinking got worse. I was trying to figure out my life and I couldn't. I was a mess. I started believing that I had ruined everything I had ever loved. I decided to end it. I took out insurance and drew up a will. All I wanted was peace. I thought my .38 would give me peace. I had not slept in days. My relationship with my parents and Susan were terrible. And I thought, "Robin would certainly be better off with out me." I am so thankful this was not God's plan. Some how I ended up at the emergency room, I received some medication and slept for three days. I went back to work, but now on tranquilizers. Robin and I went to visit Scott Fisher a minister in the Ft. Worth area. He came down on me hard, but it was good thing, because he planted some good seeds in me. Robin became angry with him. "Wow, maybe she does still love me after all." At this point Susan and I were having a flip-flopping around in our relationship, separating and then coming back together. I felt so hopeless.

By this time dad decided to retire and I was taking an abundance of tranquilizers and pain pills. I had back surgery during this time and again made me dependent on Susan. Joan was there the whole time. She was the first person I had ever met that was not the stereotype Sunday morning Christian. There was definitely more to "HER JESUS" than I had ever known when I was younger. But could He be my friend? Why would God want me for a friend?

After one year of struggling with my emotions, I saw I no longer had control over my choice of lesbianism and wanted to end it. I realized I had tried so many methods to find happiness. Through Joan I saw there was hope. I saw in her what I wanted. I wanted peace. I wanted love. She had love in her eyes and in her actions. GLORY BE! THAT LADY HAD REAL PEACE! She knew all about me and yet still loved me! The Jesus in Joan's life drew me to Him. Oh how important it is to live a godly life before others. It may be the only Jesus they will ever see.

Joan had told me I had to learn to take my thoughts captive and yield my emotional idolatry to Jesus Christ. My pride kept me from asking her to explain that so I trusted the Lord to teach me. The began to teach me and give me His peace. He showed me through peace that He would carry me through to end this lifestyle. It was during this time I had received a small booklet written by a lady named Geri McGhee, called "Clearing The Land." I spent a weekend with Jesus and believe it was during that time I was truly delivered. All the pain and demonic bondage of 40 years was leaving and Jesus was setting me free. I am not giving glory to the booklet, it's a tool. I am giving all the glory to Jesus Christ and through His love He set me free.

The Lord restored my relationship with my parents prior to their deaths in 1991. My dad died of cancer and my mother lost her will to live. As my dad was dying he would tell me that he loved me as I was stroking his hair. I believe that was a kiss from the Lord. When you think you have lost everything and nothing else matters, Jesus rises above all of it and carries us through, even in death, what unexplainable joy Jesus gives us in that time! We must trust Him! I chose a rebellious life of lesbianism and bondage to sin. Now I choose HIM! I finally found the freedom, joy, and PEACE that I had spent most of my life looking for, to Him be all the Glory!

Note: Some names were changed in this testimony for confidentiality.

Jan Jordan works with Be Fruitful and Multiply Ministries in Palestine, Texas and can be contacted by writing:  Jan Jordan, RR 6, Box 6807, Palestine, TX 75801.