He Sent His Word to Heal Us
As I gave my life completely over to the Lord back in 1983, He took me down memory lane as a part of my deliverance. There I was, a five year old little boy, very curious about the male anatomy. This was the first remembrance of what were the beginnings of homosexual thoughts. You will find that many believe just because there maybe a curiousness about anatomy that this is an inclination of orientation, but this is just not true. I did not try exploring homosexuality until many years later when I chose with my heart to give over to the temptations. At about age six, I remember being molested by a male friend of the family who was baby sitting me. This opened the doors to sexual perversion in my life. I also recall that I was exposed to some pornography at the same time. The pornography was heterosexual yet very devastating to my understanding of REAL love and God’s design for sexuality. God’s kind of love is found in 1 Cor. 13 and 1 John.
At age seven I was exposed to more pornography. My brother’s friends had come over to our house to look at Playboy magazines. One of my brother’s friends was reading an article about testing yourself to see if you might have homosexual tendencies. The article asked if you were attracted to men or women in very explicit ways. My mind was reeling from the pictures and the feelings that I was having to deal with. He showed the “pictures” to me and asked me, “Who would you kiss, the man or the woman?” Little did they know that I had found and looked through their magazines beforehand. So I became very frightened. This fear caused me to believe that I was going to really get in trouble. I remember wanting to answer what I thought he wanted to hear. I thought “well, we are all boys” (and seven year old boys are not supposed to be interested in girls) so I told him, “The man.” Well, my brother’s friends went on and on about how I was a “queer.” They ridiculed my brother and me.
I remember seeing my brother’s face and how ashamed he was of me. I was greatly disillusioned and confused. I remember feeling so dirty, having the voices telling me over and over, “You homosexual, you queer.” The voices of ridicule condemned me in my mind for several days. I thought of the human anatomy over and over in a state of confusion.
A few years later, when I was about nine years old, our next door neighbors had some out-of-state friends visiting. I was playing at their house. I went into the garage followed by the adult male visitor. He grabbed me from behind and began to molest me. He would not let me go. He told me to be quiet. I was so scared. After struggling with him for a few minutes, which seemed like an hour, I finally got away. I was terrified at what had happened. I ran out of the garage and sat down like nothing had happened.
He then came out of the garage and flipped me back in the chair I was sitting in and knocked the breath out of me. He then looked down at me on the ground and said, “This is just a sample of what you’ll get if you say anything to anyone.” I was terrified! I went home and never told anyone. I thought it was my fault, because in the heat of the summer, I was wearing cut off shorts with no shirt. Looking back, I can now see that the demons of hell were condemning me. I wonder how many other children do not realize that they are being victimized? At this same time in my life, I received a book about witches from the parochial school I attended. This book contained chants and stories. I remember late one night, how I began chanting out of the book. This chant was for power and acceptance. As I chanted I began to feel a strong presence in the room. I became afraid and put the book away permanently. I was also exposed to fortune telling games for children. Since then the Lord has shown me how the devil had set up demonic control and perverted my thinking. I had given Satan ground in my life. All the voices I had been hearing were demons. These voices may seem like our own thoughts. The voices seem to be you talking to yourself. Remember though, not all thoughts that enter your mind are your own, some according to the Scriptures may be demonic “fiery missiles.” (Eph. 6:10-18, 2 Cor. 10:3-5).
About a year later, my family went on a trip to Colorado. We stayed with friends of my parents. My parent’s friends had a son who was a couple of years older than me. At bed time he had a “game” he had learned from another friend. He began telling me about this “game.” He told me it was okay because it was just a “game.” Molested again, except this time I submitted to it, because it was just a “game.” This was the time in my life when I started actually learning about sex. A year later, he came to visit at my house and we “played” the “game” again.
The reason the Lord has reminded me of the things I went through was to demonstrate that, though many people claim they are born gay, it is childhood influences and not genetics that incline one to homosexuality. Many say that they have had desires for the same sex as long as they can remember. I was a very little boy when all this started in my life. I was opened up to sexual perversion and demonic influences at a very young age . Yet, I had never really thought about all these episodes until the Lord reminded me of them after coming out of homosexuality. I was one of those thousands of gays who believed the lie, that I was “born gay.” Homosexuality is a learned sin behavior. In most cases the behavior is inflicted by outsiders at first and then chosen. It is very subtle how these things can creep into a child’s life. It is sad that my parents never knew about what had happened to me. My parents love me, like all parents love their children and were broken hearted to find out. Yet, because they lacked God’s knowledge and did not understand His ways, I was not protected; I had no spiritual hedge of protection. (Job 1:10, 3:23). Though my parents made mistakes, they raised me the best they knew how and I don’t fault them for my choices. “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge. I also will reject you from being My priest. Since you have forgotten the law of God, I also will forget your children.” Hosea 4:6. The demons of hell had come in to destroy my life without my parents ever realizing it. The sins of the forefathers, are sins or desires that allow demonic influences to begin ministering to even a small child. It is true that we are born with a sin nature. (Gen. 3:7, 22). Babies are not taught to throw fits, get angry or rebel; they do it all by themselves. It is also true that we inherit many traits from our parents. It is a Scriptural principle that we inherit root sin habits and desires, the sins of the forefathers. However, this is not an excuse for blaming others for our own choices. We cannot blame our parents for our sins. We choose to rebel and walk in sin. It does not matter what the deception may be, it is our choice. We must take full responsibility for our choices, actions and sins before a holy, righteous and just God. However, I have talked to people who have confessed their sins and the sins of their forefathers and received immediate measures of deliverance. It is important to confess and take authority over sin habits. (Neh. 9:2, Exodus 20:5 & Deut. 5:9-10, Prov. 28:13, 1 John 1:9, James 5:16). “For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against (ruling) persons without bodies _ the evil rulers of the unseen world, (against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places), those mighty satanic beings and great evil princes of darkness who rule this world; and against huge numbers of wicked spirits in the spirit world.” Eph. 6:12LB&NKJV.(Eph. 2:1-5).
When I was twelve, my family moved to another house and I started going to a public school. I was brought up Catholic and had attended a Catholic private school up until this time. In the seventh grade I was introduced to drugs. I started smoking marijuana and listened to hard rock music and had the kind of friends who were always pushing for more and more sin. This was a very sad time in my life. I totally rejected the very little I knew of God. This opened the door for a constant influence of demonic activity in my life; I started becoming sexually active with a girl I met in school. I surrounded myself with peers who encouraged me to continue in sin. “Do not be deceived, evil companionships corrupt good habits.” 1 Cor. 15:33. After living this way a year and a half, I went into a deep depression because I kept having homosexual thoughts, desires and dreams. I had given myself over to the desires of my flesh. I was so depressed and I would not talk to any of my friends. I remained this way for about a month. My family and friends became very concerned. They constantly asked me to talk, but I wouldn’t; I was afraid of what everyone would think. I had really started completely believing that I was homosexual. One night in my depression, I started praying to God to change me. I believed I had been born gay; I was believing a lie. I was trying to have a “heterosexual relationship” but could not stop having homosexual thoughts, so I blamed God for making me gay. In great anger I told God to change me, but I thought to no avail. “For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse. For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God, or give thanks; but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools,” Romans 1:18-22. See the picture in this passage of Scripture. This is a direct comparison to the homosexual life-style. I had suppressed the truth of God for a lie. It was my fault, for even nature proclaimed to me that God was real and that my desires were unnatural. I did not honor God nor did I give Him thanks, so my heart became darkened. Truly, I became a fool. “And with all deceit of unrighteousness in those who perish, because they did not receive the love of the truth, so that they might be saved (set free). And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie, so that all those who do not believe the truth, but delight in unrighteousness, might be condemned..” 2 Thess. 2:10-12. These passages of Scripture are definitely a picture of where I was in homosexuality.
In junior high school I had another experience that caused me to believe the lie. There was a boy in one of my classes who ridiculed me EVERY day by calling me “faggot.” I was becoming more and more depressed. He was picking up on my brokenness, and my inability to relate to men. Subsequently I was effeminate in my actions. Remember, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Well, words do hurt, and can, very deeply. (Prov. 25:18, Psa. 52:2, Psa. 55:21). I was so wounded and embarrassed by this other student. Satan’s devices are to minister rejection at all costs. His schemes are the rejection of self and to pervert God’s creation.
Finally, I decided to kill myself. The depression was too much. I believe I would have succeeded if it had not been for a “friend” who came over that very night. I was headed out the front door when he drove up, and he asked me, “Where are you going?” I told him, “To kill myself.” He said, “Oh come inside. I need to talk to you. I know what’s wrong with you.” I didn’t believe him, but I wanted to know what he thought, so we went back inside. We went to my room where he began telling me that he thought my problem was not anything to worry about. He told me he was bisexual, and it was perfectly normal. I was shocked! A false peace came over me. One of my closest friends understood what I was going through. It was then I broke off my relationship with my girl friend and pursued a relationship with him. This opened up the door for my involvement in the homosexual life-style. I did not know that there were other homosexuals, and that a whole section of society was given over to homosexuality. One thing lead to another and as I went through high school, I met other friends and started going out to gay bars and meeting other people; I thought all I wanted was to be “married” homosexually.
A few years later, at my little sister’s wedding, I talked with the priest who performed her ceremony. He said, “Stephen, I know why you haven’t been coming to church.” I said “Why?” He glared at me and said, “It’s all the more reason why you should.” About this time my friends walked up and we left. I thought, “he had to be gay.” I was really shocked, yet this experience reinforced my false sense of peace. It gave me a great hope that the earlier conviction and guilt I had felt was not valid. I pursued gay-type marriage relationships with several men with various backgrounds. I had one relationship that lasted two years with a very wealthy man, named Mike. During this time, I was very religious and started going back to the Catholic Church. I was going to college and was very open with my life-style. I lived in a very beautiful home, drove a new convertible and had lots of money. I traveled and saw a lot of places. I was so very worldly. I lusted after riches, and I thought that I was really something. (Rom. 12:3, 1 Cor. 8:2) A high school friend had heard the reason why I had broken up with my girl friend. So she mailed me a tract called the “Gay Blade” produced by Jack Chick. It was very convicting. I showed it to Mike, and he told me to throw it in the trash because as he said, “It’s garbage.” He thought he knew better, because he was an elder in a very prominent Episcopal church. I threw it away, but not without thinking about it for several days. I now understand how my Heavenly Father was reaching out to me.
Several months later my little brother died. We were only 18 months apart in age. This was a major turning point in my life. For the first time in years, I began praying earnestly. My mind became opened to the fact that I would spend eternity somewhere. I cried out to God, mostly complaining to Him, for I felt HE had taken my little brother. I was trying to deal with my own appalling guilt. At my little brother’s funeral, I noticed that the same priest from my little sister’s wedding was talking with Mike. I thought it was very strange, but it confirmed what I had thought earlier. Mike knew him very well, and he knew many other gay priests and ministers. When I talked with this priest, he told me that being homosexual was okay with God. It was great because God created us this way, and he loved us just the way we are. This really ministered a false hope to me. So, now more than ever, I believed that my life-style was predestined. Yet, I became depressed again for several months. I was filled with guilt over my relationship with my little brother. I was so convicted that I was worthy of death, and that I should have been the one to have died. During this time of depression, the relationship with Mike ended in a horrible fight. I then joined a health club and met a guy I thought was straight. He was a body builder and he helped me train. But I was wrong. He had been exposed to homosexuality one other time earlier in his life. He was plagued with thoughts. One thing led to another, and I entered into another relationship. This man was married, knowing this was tearing me up inside, and consequently I developed an ulcer. He wanted to leave his wife and move to another state with me. He was a very good lawyer and could easily do this. Being religious, I knew this had to be wrong. I decided that I had to end the relationship, I could not stand the guilt anymore. I was really torn up over all this, so I decided to try and force my self to be heterosexual. I went into a relationship with a girl who just happened to be “trying to help” me out of the life-style. This relationship with all its sexual sin carried just as much guilt, and it didn’t work. I still wanted to have a relationship with a man. I did not realize that the need I had could only be fulfilled in a loving father type relationship, which I had never really known growing up. I can say now that my heavenly Father is meeting all my needs. During these last few years the Lord has restored to me a wonderful relationship with my earthly father, whom I love dearly. We must, even through rejection turn our hearts to our fathers, otherwise it will not go well with us. (Mal. 4:6, Ex. 20:12, Eph. 6:1-3).
I met another guy named Steven who I thought was the “perfect person” for me. Our relationship lasted for three months. Then the day came when I gave my life over to Jesus. This relationship was a real test for me after my conversion. Satan was playing his last and best ploy. Steven would call and cry over the phone, begging me to reconsider, that real love wouldn’t do this. But because of my new found love, immaturity and zeal for Jesus, I would rebuke and quote the Scriptures. Subsequently Steven turned on me and began to hate me. (1 Cor. 15:33, Proverbs 14:16, 17:10, 18:6-7, 23:9, 26:4). I have written these dealings with homosexual relationships to give HOPE to others who might be reading this testimony. I want others to know of the mighty deliverance of Jesus Christ. Many in homosexuality have accused me of not ever being gay, but that is as far from the truth as could be, I was, but I am NOT. My old self died in Jesus Christ and I have a new life now, because of His love at Calvary.
During this transition from death to life, an old high school friend named Mary called me up and said that we needed to go out because it was her birthday. The next day Mary wanted to go see her sister. She warned me that her sister and her sister’s husband were “real religious,” but I didn’t care. So we went to their house. I was sitting in their living room listening to them tell Mary of God’s ways. These people, (another) Steve, Mary’s brother-in-law, and Linda, her sister, talked to Mary about Jesus in a way that I had never known. They talked about Jesus doing this and that for them. They talked about how Jesus would come and go from their home. I thought these people are crazy. I didn’t know of a Jesus like this, the Jesus I knew was dead on a cross, and found in a wafer on Sundays. But, all of a sudden, the Holy Spirit spoke to me. The Lord said to me, “If you do not accept me tonight, you will die.” My heart began to pound and pound. I knew that I had to know Jesus like these people. The girls left the room, and I was sitting there with, Steve. I said to Steve, “I need to know Jesus like you do.” He jumped up out of his chair and said, “Well, brother I think Jesus is calling you.” I knew Jesus was calling me and that it was very serious. I prayed that night to receive Jesus Christ as Savior and LORD! I remember, as I prayed, seeing Jesus dying on the cross for me. I saw Him on the cross in a new way and I believed. Steve led me in a prayer surrendering to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. A few minutes later the girls came back into the room, and Steve told Mary that I had just gotten “saved.” Mary was unsure. She asked, “Did you?” And I said, “Yes, I think so.” I did not fully understand what all had happened to me, and I didn’t understand the terminology, “saved.” Then more salvation came. Later that night after getting home, I went to my bedroom with the old unused family Bible. I began praying for God to show me where my life-style had been wrong. I wanted God to show me from the Bible whether homosexuality was right or wrong. I opened the Bible, came to Leviticus chapter 18, and my eyes fell upon verse 22. It was a miracle from God! “You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female, it is an abomination.”Lev. 18:22 (Lev. 20:13). God had ministered the law to me so I could see my need for Jesus Christ. (Gal 3:22-24, Rom. 7:7, Matt. 5:17-20). I really didn’t know what abomination meant, but by looking at the word I knew it had to mean something that God really hated. I then knelt down beside my bed and cried out to God for forgiveness. I prayed, trusting Jesus to totally change my life, and from that day I have been totally transformed. I am not saying I didn’t have to work through a lot because I did! Matter of fact, for the next year I came under all kinds of various temptations and trials. After my transformation, the next several days were filled with great conviction and a lot of demonic attack. I confessed my sin to Steve and he prayed with me again. (James 5:16). I then began searching for a church. The Holy Spirit led me to a group of people who were loving God with all their hearts. I found out later that, the believers at this fellowship had been praying for me during a Bible study. Thank God for those who pray and believe God for souls. If you are praying for someone, don’t ever stop! Keep Praying! It is so very important to find a group of people who you can fellowship with and who can encourage you and hold you accountable. Pray and ask Jesus to help you find the right place for you. He was faithful to me and He will be faithful to you, for God is not a respecter of persons. (Acts 10:34,35).
In Conclusion, deliverance from homosexuality comes only from Jesus Christ, it does not come from great counselors and ministries. God does use these people, but the realization must be that it comes from Jesus Christ and Him ONLY. Total deliverance from homosexuality comes only through a new life-style of an absolute surrender and a complete dependence upon the Lord Jesus Christ. We must believe IN JESUS THROUGH genuine repentance. We must believe His promises and stand on the Word of God, and determine to obey Him. Ask Him to help you. The axe must be laid to every root problem in our lives, in order that we may walk fully with Jesus. Unforgiveness and bitterness are major root problems. Homosexuals are usually very hurting bitter people. This is partly because they had a very poor relationship with their father. And for most, they have never experienced true masculine love and have not experienced the Father heart of God. People in the homosexual life-style view their relationship with God the Father as they view their relationship with their earthly father. They reject God in anger and bitterness and seek for the unfulfilled need of the father’s love. We all need this love desperately, especially those in a life-style of homosexuality. We should remember that salvation, or deliverance from sodomy, comes only through faith in Jesus Christ. “Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of Christ.” Romans 10:17. Jesus is The Living Word. He is the overcoming powerful grace we need to overcome sin. The grace of God in Christ Jesus, our Lord, is sufficient for us in our weakness. His grace is the power to overcome ALL sin. The humble receive grace. Therefore, we must humble ourselves daily to receive His grace daily. (James 4:6). “God will not be mocked, for whatsoever a man sows, this shall he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh shall from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit shall from the Spirit reap eternal life.” Gal. 6:7. Nature itself proclaims God’s invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature. (Romans 1:20). God’s way is for man to be with woman. This is natural! (Gen. 1:26,27). God made no mistakes when He created us anatomically. He has given each of us our correct natural body parts. Make no mistake about it, God created the male and the female to live and work together emotionally, spiritually and physically. “Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life, which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. Let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am being tempted by God,’ for God cannot be tempted by evil, He Himself does not tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.” James 1:12-15. We must cry out to God for deliverance! For God, according to His Word, hears the prayers of the repentant and sees the heart of the person who is truly being honest with Him.
(Psalms 51:17). Do not try to test God, but be totally honest with Him. Humble yourself before God, confessing every sin and motive, and He will be gracious to you. His grace will bring power to overcome any sin. Hope in God. Trust fully in Him, committing all your ways to Him, and He will surely make your steps straight. (Prov 3:6, Psa. 37:5). I praise God every day for delivering me from sodomy. When the memories of the past come up now, I just turn them into altars of praise to Him for His mighty deliverance. My goal is to continually worship Him in EVERY trial and temptation.
We must constantly thank God for everything He is doing in our lives. My heavenly Father has given me a beautiful, merciful wife. We have been married now since May 25, 1986, and we have three beautiful children. God’s blessings never cease when we are opened to Him in obedience.
Bible Study Notes:
Revelation 12:11, Prov. 9:10, Proverbs 10:27, 14:27, 16:6, 19:23, Job 28:28 and Psalm 34:7-10 & 111:10 Revelation 14:6-7, Luke 24:47, Isa. 30:15, Heb. 4:14-16, 1 Cor. 10:12-13, James 4:6-10, Titus 2:11-12, Psalm 51:17 and 32:1-5, 1 John 1:9, James 5:16, John 1:1, 1 John 1:1, Romans 10:17, Heb. 11:6, Psalm 119:105, Matt. 4:1-11, James 1:21-22, 1 Peter 1:23, Psalm 119:9-16, 2 Cor 10:3-5, Eph. 4:23,1 Peter 1:13-16, 1 Peter 4:12-13, Eph. 6:10-18, 2 Cor. 5:17, Gen. 3:1-5, Romans 1:25, Gal. 5:19-24, 1 Cor. 6:9-11, Eph. 5:5-6, Rev. 21:8, Psalm 68:5-6, Psalm 103:13, John 14:9-10, Romans 8:31, Romans 8:15, 1 John 4:8-11, Psalm 25:14, 2 Cor. 1:3-4, Mal. 4:6, Ex. 20:12, Eph. 6:1-3, Matt. 18:21-35, John 14:26, 1 John 2:27, 1 Peter 5:8-10.
Stephen Black, Executive Director of First Stone Ministries, also serves as Men’s Minister.
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